Aging: The Catalyst to Change

 I have to get something out in the open- something I’ve been holding onto for months, and has required more soul searching, resources, energy, and time than I could have anticipated. So here it is: 

After 26 years in the NYC vicinity, Brian and I are selling our house and moving back to my hometown of Pittsburgh, PA this summer!

Whew, that feels good to tell you that. I HATE to keep secrets and I thrive in sharing my life experience with others. For many reasons, we have kept this on the down low, and it’s been so hard! The most challenging part is that I’ve been significantly quieter on social and in my correspondence, as I’ve needed my time and energy to nurture my current client list while starting this complicated process. As of yesterday, our house is officially on the market, but there are many moving parts yet to be determined.

I was not prepared for the “aha” moments I’ve had during this process. In navigating the soup of emotion and discomfort involved in making such a life change, I’ve learned so much and I want to share it with you. The breakthroughs are coming forth with force and relate to aging, self awareness, prioritizing health, and setting boundaries. So I thought I’d focus on one aspect for today: Aging.

I’m turning 49 in a few weeks and I think I can safely say I’ve accumulated some wisdom. When you’re in a routine, it doesn’t really occur to you to do a desire audit- to step back and ask yourself if you still want what you once did. Enter the benefit of hard times- they force you to reevaluate everything. As many of you know, I lost one of my best friends last year to cancer. It was so fast and brutal. All I could think of in the days and weeks after his passing was: WE DO NOT HAVE TIME.

It prompted deep conversations with my family. How do we want to spend this next chapter of our lives? What is keeping us from doing that? What are we afraid of? Fresh with grief, I kept thinking of my parents and how I want to be with them. Of my siblings, who have all migrated back after living and traveling the world. Of my daughter, who is growing up and needs a strong sense of family and a kick ass education. 

But…the idea of going back to my hometown brought on a grief of its own. Intrusive thoughts like “Am I giving up?” “Does this mean I can’t cut it and I failed?” “Will I become irrelevant if I’m not near NYC?” And finally, “Am I just too old to do this anymore?”.... That last one was not an easy answer to come by, but it came.

The truth is, I’m not too old to stay. I’m old enough to know it’s okay to go. And THAT is the shift. We’re not “too old.” We’re old enough to know that change is not a defeat, that choice is power. We are wise enough to know when to listen to our guts and hearts. We are wise.

Midlife is a tumultuous time and requires a reckoning. There is heartbreak, loss, and like it or not, we are changing. And change isn’t something I’m particularly comfortable with. But on the other side of change is discovery. It keeps us curious and therefore keeps us young at heart. I like to think of my friend who passed, smiling to himself in the great beyond, knowing that he continues to help me grow. Thank you, Gav. I hear you.

I invite you to take some time in the near future to do a desire audit of your own. Do you still want what you are working so hard for? A word of advice- just be ready for your answer, in case it surprises you.